never to see any other way

thoughts on the internet

lonely up there; night owl pt.1

there is a part of me that realizes everything. i know how the world works. i know how jobs work. i know how learning works. i know how friends work. i know how guys work. by now, ive got it down to a science. i just dont want to believe it. i lay around thinking about what everything “really” means. lol and i come up with nothing. at the end of the day, people being motivated for their careers and where they want to go is brilliant. i can do nothing but respect that. but then i think, so what do you do when youve “made it”? is there some sort of self esteem raise? more people know your name? i know im not necessarily seeking fame. i have an art, and i have to do it to stay alive because i love it. but pushing people out of my life and stepping on toes is something i will never do. i guess my point could be that isn’t the journey is what its all about? the places you go, the art you create, the people you meet? whats so wrong with meeting someone and liking them? its only going to (depending on the person) inspire you more and maybe possibly lead your art and define yourself in a new light. inspiring yourself is great, but letting people in and feeling is inspiring as well, if not more inspiring. when caught with an immature person who cant understand how artists work, there in lies the problem. a maturity level just needs to be established. you cant assume everyone will get it. most wont. i am one of few that do. 

ive layed around just wondering if the lives we have been given is soley just to love one another. or try. loving friends, family, relationships, is this why we are here.  everyone puts so much emphasis on their “future”. its kind of unrelatable to me. i love love. i love meeting interesting people and seeing where the journey may take me. collaboration is nothing short of sometimes, a beautiful blessing. there are some circumstances where they dont work out well, but we all know by now, those are lessons well learned and some of the best art comes from pain/problems/difficult situations. 

ive strayed from the point a bit. i tend to. most of my writing is just babble that no one reads anyways. but best to everyone seeking their future/career/fame, but when you get there you will want someone. its lonely up there. i will do my track the way i see fit. i want people in my life and i want you all to inspire me. 

Almost lover forever

It’s the feeling of looking at someone
Stripped of games, makeup, confusing statements. Stripped of absolutely everything and it being perfect. You are completely satisfied in every way. You yearn for them when they leave and their kiss is stained upon your heart.
I had that. Staring me in my face. And it as beautiful. Everything I could ever think it would be. He would have went to the moon and back for me. I was his queen. I never wanted it to stop and I never wanted him to leave. And that was the problem. my heart wanted it all. I didn’t know how to just let things be. I didn’t know how to let him be him and do what he loved as with myself. I didn’t know how to handle the perfection of a man that I had in my arms.
The images in my head of us are absolutely beautiful. The way they should be. I was so in love with you and I still am. It’s been almost 7 months now and I couldn’t even bear to think of someone to replace you. You are/were the best I’ve ever had and no one will ever compete with that. Almost lover. We could have had everything. The insisting of myself to you was too much. I just hope you are safe and happy. You (out of anyone) deserves that. And I mean that.
I can only hope that I’ve left as large as an impact on your heart/soul/world as you have in me. You made me feel beautiful inside and out.
You are beautiful.

Long day #face #again #blonde #hair #bigeyes #lips #makeup #self #closeup 🔻

Long day #face #again #blonde #hair #bigeyes #lips #makeup #self #closeup 🔻


…and then I realize what I’ve known all along. I don’t need you. I am better off. Whatever you have to offer isn’t anywhere near what I need…
I’m done with all of this bull. Recognize how good I am. Then try and come at me.
No more.



Me in another improv dance video.


nevermind what you think. i have to keep reminding myself of who i am and how powerful that is. as i follow along the steps of this life, keeping myself intact is super important. i am brave. i love hard. i fall hard. i care way too much. i am an artist to the core. i love creating and breaking boundaries. i am one of the most passionate people you will ever meet. and i will always pick dance first. no matter who you are or what you are thats the truth. i believe in me. at the end of the day and maybe i forget that at times. i love love so much that i forget what its all about and how it is. its not a terrible thing that i care too much. most everyone ive ever been around has gotten annoyed by my caring because it is alot at first. but then they come back around to apologize immensely and say that i am one of a kind and they can’t find someone else like me. by then i dont care. by then its over. ive already crossed you out. 

its true. if you can’t respect me enough to really get to know me and really get to know why i am who i am and how i got here, then its on you. the only thing i can do is keep moving and keep dancing. i love that more than i will ever love you anyways. 

beauty must be what we are

i am paralyzed with shamefulness. i can’t even believe i would ever let anything like this get to me. i am who i am. whatever that ends up to be from the day to the next, its beautiful and sincere and i will always know that. i refuse to believe in the ordinary things of the world. what we look like overtakes who we are. people assume im a dumb bimbo because i have blonde hair and am in shape. thats an outward appearance that signifies nothing at the end of the day. its how i look but not who i am.  i refuse to get lost upon thinking what everyone does.  all i can do is who i am. thats honestly all i know how to do. i dont wish i looked different. i dont wish i was different.  it just breaks my heart to see people so easily follow the trend. so many guys getting lost upon asses and extraness (yes. i said that) its terribly sad and it makes me cry.  most guys will never know or see me because i am not that.  but then again. i should be happy. i would be satisfied being alone forever if i never have to deal with a guy like that.  please miss me on it.  i am an adult who loves and is passionate and dances. its that simple. and it always will be.

ASHHHHHH : Elemental


This world is changing.  It always has been, and always will be.  Those who adapt survive.  Adapt meaning learn and apply.  You dig in stubbornly, insisting on your way, until you’re swept into oblivion.  Clockwork.  Those who disrupt the flow of the Universe will provide the ash in it’s wake.

If I could ask the richest man on this planet one question, I would ask, “Are you happy?”  I wouldn’t stay for the answer.  It would be better if he weren’t than if he was.  

not a fit

ive always known this. i have felt it in my heart, soul if you will.  i am different. everything about me is. and now since ive grown up and become the woman that i am, i am even more so different.  i never did think i fit in in lexington, but i just thought it would be something that eventually would grow on me. and it did. for a bit. but it was a never full stick. i love the friends ive made, the fun times, the dancing, etc. there is just something to be said that when i go out and girls stare and mean mug and go as far as saying something about what im wearing. at first it was hard to handle. i would cry cuz i felt ugly. and then i took it as a compliment, still do but tried to tone down what i wear. there is something within me that cannot and will not do this anymore. i love who i am and what i wear. if that makes me not fit in this city of lexington, so be it. 

going somewhere and experiencing how nice people can be other places and how bars aren’t racist and how i can be me and dress how i want because no one cares, changes the playing field. i know no place is perfect but im just sick to death of this town and the people in it. i have been brutally, emotionally beaten down by these people here. i have had to experience a personality make over due to these sick people. i am better than this. i am better than having friends oust me out of a group because i don’t dance well enough. i am better than people blaming me for something i had nothing to do with at all. and i am sick of people apologizing about it all. i dont care anymore and im over it. 

once these 15 hrs are up, im out. for good. 

after all of this time.

i finally realize i dont need any of you.